You Always Can't Get What You Want!

Multiple short postings. This time I'm screwed, terribly.

Yesterday's exam was a total catastrophe, and the questions themselves were fuckin' traumatizing. Sigh, I'm going to fall this time again. I don't know, it's almost end of the 4th year already and I'm already pretty fed up with my course. I terribly need a break, desperately, and urgently.

I've cancelled my plans for a stop over in KL on my way back to KB. Why? Simple. I'm fairly disgusted by some apathy certain people have been displaying for the few weeks. Well, if I'm not important enough for someone to spend time with, then obviously they themselves do not deserve my time then. After all, most of my ex-classmates have aldy gone back to KB then, hence, me in KL will be a rather boring episode this time. Thus, I've booked a ticket back to KB the day after I arrive in KL, so I can catch the Infectious Disease seminar in KB. Well, at least I'm not wasting my time!

Yen's in a dilemma again, stuck between her mom and her boyfriend. She's complaining that her Mom's being unreasonable to her, as if she despised her own daughter's boyfriend that much. After scrutinizing the facts, my provisional diagnosis will be PERI-MENOPAUSAL SYMPTOMS. Neh, try talking to her. It works, at least better than running off to Pattani to get married there!

By the way, Yen complimented me as a friend who empathies his friends. That is flattering, albeit the fact I prefer to be known as a sick manipulative bastard, whom some of my old friends have adorned me with this title years ago. I guess people just don't know me like they think they do. Yen is wrong, and the other soddin' friends of mine are wrong too. I am both an empathetic friend and a manipulative bastard!

Life is real. You never get what you want, and you don't really get what you give, so why complain? I get things that I don't want, and I enjoy my life trashing things that I don't want, while lingering for the things that I want to fall down from the sky into my lap.

Wishful thinkings.

Song of the Day - Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Get What You Want

Strong Enough...

Just came back from colleague's place as I was hijacking their telly to watch TV3's Juara Lagu 2006. Some of the finalists weren't really that impressive, but Adibah Noor really swept everyone to their feet and brought the house down with her. Man, her vocals are dumbfounding!

I was told that I sounded a little bit different while I was sick. Docile seems to be a more precise word to describe how I was behaving for the past 2 days. A little less sarcasm and a gentler side of me; still, not much people can accept that side of me. Hence I figure it's best for me to stay the way I have always been.

Weeks ago, some kid told me there were stories about me, that I was damaged by my exs. Well, that's undoubtedly true. Wait, what's more? Said that I was on the verge of breaking every single guy's heart just because I wanted to sought revenge for what my exs did to me. Now this is blasphemy. I've always had fatter cows to milk and bigger fishes to fry than to waste my time on such meaningless vendetta.

Oh well. I am what I am, so don't ask for more.

Song of the Day - Cher - Strong Enough

If Tomorrow Never Comes...

Have been sick for the past few days; fever with chills and rigor, differential diagnosis ppl?

It's not nice being sick, although a sick role gives you lots of priveleges. Irritative (twice as usual), cantankerous (twice as usual) and miserable (twice as usual) was I during these 2 days, lying on bed with agony. Yah, it's just fever, but the pyrogenic sensation isn't that pleasurable, esp. when you feel like your whole body is burning.

Anyway, lucky Emie was there to comfort me, visiting me and buying me lunch, or else I would have starved to death. Maybe that's the drawback of being alone; the loneliness becomes even more distasteful when your sick. Maybe I really need to find a guy, to comfort me, and to motivate me a little.

Well, like usual, Mom called the moment she heard that I was sick. I spent 7 minutes manja-ing with her, gaining her attention and I could hear Dad's voice in the background as well. I'm obviously the youngest child in the family, so it's my right to manja manja around when I feel like to! Anyway, I manja-ed with Cymon for a few hours later.

Sometimes I always lie on my bed, wishing that I would just die off in sleep and never wake up anymore. The idea of dying aged, wrinkled, shrivelled, lonely and miserable detests me, so it's better if I could just die off like that. Nonetheless, I can't just run off like that without fulfilling my responsibilities, esp. to both my parents. I always asked Mom what would she react if I died suddenly, and she would respond by saying I'm nuts.

What if my tomorrow really never comes? Would I die in vain? Would anyone miss me or worse, remember me after I'm dead. Probably. Probably not.

Song of the Day - Ronan Keating - If Tomorrow Never Comes

Do You Know Where You're Going To?

Someone told me that his goal in life is to make tons and tons of money, and then spend 'em on things he likes to do. Sounds fun, but not really my cuppa tea; money isn't really something I really want in life. Well, I do want some money, not too much, as long as I get to lead a comfy life.

I think I'd go for satisfaction; yup, sweet juicy satisfaction in life and career.

What do I see myself as after 10 years time? Well, maybe some overweight miserable clinician who enjoys harrassing and throwing insults onto his patients, in addition to driving his hospital administrators nuts. Well, probably then I'm already an Infectious Disease physician, a new fresh one, with a foreign post-graduate qualification, dedicating most of my time killing bugs. Lots and lots of bugs. Yes. Kill 'em all!

Probably I'll be working in a teaching hospital. Never could I resist the tempation to detestify dumb medical students. What could be better than manipulating naive people around ou to do your bidding? Maybe I'll be adorned with the title of Dr. Doom, or DeathDoc, or maybe Dr. Rickie the Horrible. Well, hate me as much as you like, but undoubtedly, you need me!

Would I be a workoholic? Most likely yes; I love spending my time procrastinating at my workplace, at least I'm too occupied to be aware that I am basically alone, by myself. Miserable. Lonely. And damaged.

Life would probably be spent in such a manner: 8 hours of sleep and 16 hours of work. Pathetic? Yes, but I love it. I'm not crazy, I'm just unwell, and damaged.

It maybe not be something that other people would die for, but hey, I'm loving it!

Song of the Day - Diana Ross - Do You Know Where Your Going To?

That's What Friends Are For ...

I just came back from taking my ex-classmate, who's in Kuching to visit me, for a spin.

Somehow, most of my closest friends now are still those whom had been studying wif me since Form 3-Form 6 in high school, even though we are miles apart, separated by the vast South China Sea, to be precise. Well, we meet up almost every time whever we head back to our hometown, usually at my place, for some catching up and some verbal abuse too.

Back to this friend who came and pay me a visit. Well, I call him ah Fu, and we've been buddies since Form 1 if I may recall. We actually got acquainted while we both were in Transition class, in some weird occasion that I simply cannot recall what it was. Anyway, it wasn't pleasant, and I literally tortured ah Fu for years, mortifying both his mind and body, until we really got close while in Form 3, due to some reason which I simply cannot remember. LOL.

Ah Fu is fucking smart, and he knows a lot of things; well, obviously he knows more things that I do. Still, he gets misunderstood and misjudged sometimes, due to his over-friendliness, and at times his weird ideas, such as unification of Mainland China and Taiwan, his pro-Maoist thinking and his funny story of anchovies and sperms.

So, I brought him for an 1-hour tour, showing the bits and pieces of what Kuching has to offer, and killing my boredom. Well, he's practically the first guy who came to visit me from West Malaysia!

Confucius (who makes me confused) quoted in Analects. "Would you not be thrilled if a friend from afar visited you...?" Fuck Confucius, I'm speechless (because I'm too happy)!

And people say I don't have friends. Duhh.

Song of the Day - Diane Warwick & Friends - That's What Friends Are For

To Sir With Love...

I received a grieving sms from a friend in my hometown. It was dire; my English tuition teacher, Mr. Shorup Mukherjee, passed away at 8.30 p.m. today.

How did the whole teacher-student relationship manifested itself, one may ask. Well, I started enrolling in an English tuition class while I was in Form 1, just for the sake of killing more boredom on Friday mornings (in the place I grew up, Friday, instead of Sunday, is a public holiday). Well, having being groomed, although flawed and imperfect, in an English-speaking background, I fared well, and of course impressed Mrs. Mukherjee (who taught that elementary class) and she sent me into Mr. Mukherjee's class, which is of course, advanced English.

Mr Mukherjee left me an impression of a strict, obstinate, posh and aspiring teacher. He was always particular in punctuality; be there on time when class starts, finish your work on time, and hand them to him on time. There's no excuses for being late. It's never better to be late than being absent, that's what he clinched on tightly, and I was always notorious for being late to classes.

He never stopped encouraging me, although I was crude and impatient and I wrote essays that always almost set him in a hypertensive encephalopathy. He never stopped pushing me to go on, whenever I felt weary bout myself and refused to go on. Once I almost stopped attending his classes just because I couldn't bear to go on, trying to learn things that are so tough for me, and he sent me an indirect message, indicating that he refused to let me go. He just wouldn't let me go...

I remembered how me and my friends used to jerk around in his class before he comes in. Someone even broke his fan, and still didn't get a harsh spanking from him (because somehow he refused to acknowledge that it was that kid's fault!) Mr Mukherjee would always stroll from his front door to the tuition class (right in his backyard) with a ciggie in his right fingers. No doubt he's aware that he shouldn't be smoking anymore, I guess, yet, he just couldn't rid himself of that.

He dressed himself in Batik shirts and long black pants and his brown sandles. Posh, to describe his sense of fashion; his mannerism clearly delineated his bold unmistakable English colonial style, whom he had assimilated during his stay in the United Kingdom. He was a legacy, one of the few english teachers who flourished during the pre-independence era and never wilted since.

I was clearly not the best in his class (maybe I was 3rd best), and still I knew how high his expectations to me were. There was a clear hierachy in the class; I was always the 3rd last student in class whom he'll post any challenging questions to, and whenever I am unable to answer 'em, only would he direct them to the 2nd best and ultimately the best. It was an honor to be looked up to, especially when I have spent my school days as a diamond in the rough; unappreciated, unnoticed, and unattended.

Age started to catch up with him while I was in form 5; his hands were trembling, and his memory was failing him. There were occasions when he'd cancel his class, which was very rare indeed. He'd never cancelled any classses before, except when he travelled with his family. Once he was hospitalized when I was in form 6; I visited him, and was a little taken back when he introduced me as one of his "promising" ex-students. He still believed that I am somehow promising, although he has stopped teaching me. Mom has even told me that Mrs. Mukherjee has been sending me regards from him when I've come over to Kuching.

Somehow he managed to pull through, until tonight, when he had exhaled his last breath of life. Here's to you, Mr. Mukherjee, for always believing in me, putting up high hopes in me, and never letting me out of your grip, as long as you still have a flicker of muscle power in your hands.

To you, Mr. Mukherjee, the best English teacher that I've ever had. I am who I am, because of you.

Song of the Day - Lulu - To Sir With Love

The Great Pretender...

Life is like a play with no playwrights or directors; we're merely the casts in it.

My internet connection has been in a downturn since some earthquake struck Taiwan last week, creating a havoc in my life as well. I'm just bored (I know I always am).

People wear masks. Different kinds of 'em, for different occasions. I try not to wear too much of 'em, and I guess that makes me apathic to people around me.

A friend recently expressed his envy towards me. Not because I am fabulous or something, just because I don't wear masks. Indeed. I don't like to wear masks, and I don't fake myself. I just enjoy being myself, no matter how pathetic or pitiful I am without ornaments. It's saddening I know, but hey, it's the real me!

Probably that's why I don't like to indulge myself in meeting new people. You don't really know what lies behind those attractive masks they wear. Undoubtedly I lose many opportunites in life, but then at least I feel secured. Safe and sound, behind the frozen walls around me. Claustrophobic? Yes, sometimes, but still, I'm very territorial.

I know I'm a fuckin' frostbitch, so take a spoon and eat my arse!

Song of the Day - The Platters - The Great Pretender

Leave Right Now...

I witnessed my first autopsy today, and it's not really as scary as I thought it is. Still, I felt like I was in an abbatoir, instead of a mortuary. With the stench of death that envelops me, with the blood (very minimal) and gore, I'm amazed that I did not puke or fainted.

For the past few days I've been dissuading myself to stop lingering in internet chats, and invest more time in my studies. Well, after 2 days of endeavour, I guess I yield again. However, I am spending a little less time now if compared to the previous times.

Somebody asked me if I've got friends. Well, of course YES! love, but 98% of them are straight. Erm, gay friends? Erm... not really. Yah, I do not have much gay friends, and don't ask me why.

Well, maybe it can be explained. Could it be that I haven't found gay friends that I can really cling to and confide in, or that people whom I've got to know through internet chats seem to be a little bonafide until I'm reluctant to invest my trust in them. Well, not all of them, but still a lot of them! Or could it be that we can't click at all? The things we talk, the things we think (do they think?) and the things we do; it seemed like we antagonize one another.

What I know is that.... the things I say really make them potong stim!

They just come and go, and most do not leave much tracks in my life. So, what the heck?

Song of the Day - Will Young -Leave Right Now

Have Yourself A Merry Christmas...

Christmas never meant much to me. Well, don't blame me for that honey, I never grew up celebrating Christmas. The only thing happy bout Christmas to me when I was very young was that it's a public holiday and there's lots of stuffs to see on TV. Still, I still had to finish my homework on Christmas; hence, Christmas is nothing unique to me.

I went to the ER for Christmas Eve, just to linger around and kill my time. Anyway, what's the use of spending your Christmas Eve alone at home in front of the PC sulking? Then, there weren't nothing much to see last nite, contary to my anticipation. Still, I've caught the staffs' attention there since I'm the only med stud there. Damn... not even a 911 call last night. Eventually I left at 2.30 am and headed back home to sleep.

With Christmas coming, New Year's not far ahead it seems. How fast time flies. I've aldy spend 4 Christmas in Sarawak, and next year, I hope, will be the last one that I'm going to celebrate in Kuching. 16 months more to countdown and I'm free!

On the other hands...new resolutions for year 2007...

1. Pass my 4th year swiftly! (and I'M aldy halfway through!)

2. Enjoy my elective studies in Taiwan (well... I hope I get it.. sigh!)

3. Lose 10 kg (again!) and gain some meat (instead of fat!)

4. Get a boyfriend (Duhh!)

5. Make myself happy throughout the whole year (Yeah, I'm trying!)

Song of the Day - Mariah Carey - Have Yourself A Merry Christmas

Almost Over You...

I have been pretty mean lately, and when I say mean, it means really really mean!

Obviously, I just got pissed off by some people who happens to gravitate around in my life. So, where do I begin then?

Housemates? Well, it's not the first time anyway. At times I find it so ridiculous that the four other girls staying together in the same house with me are even disorganized than I am, and what ticks me off, self-centered in some sense. Yes I know that everyone is self-centered, but hello, not to that extent ok?

Yup, my room is leaking. No, the ceiling of my room was leaking and the leakage just happened to origin from the toilets in the second floor. So, despite my repetitious beseechment not to overuse the toilet, as the leak usually occurs when there's too much water flowing down in the pipes. So, any other homo sapiens with common sense and courtesy would at least try not to overuse the toilet, but still, instead of bathing for 1 hour and 15 minutes twice a day, she bathes for 1 hour twice a day. And yes, she claimed that she has already drastically reduced her bath time.

Eventually the landlady asked some plumbers and builders to start repairing the toilets above, which means, 2 out of 3 toilets are being knocked down with 1 toilet left for 5 of us to share. Anyway, to make things clearer, that toilet belongs to me and one other girl; that means that we take turns to clean it (I clean it more than her). Well, 5 people sharing a toilet definitely isn't something nice, especially when I (always) happen to be the one who's scrubbing it weekly. Sigh. I have a cock, and amazingly I am more particular bout these hygiene thingee that girls! Humbug!

So, since I have been diligently scrubbing the toilet weekly, we ran out of the toilet detergent few weeks ago. Finally, someone volunteered to purchase a new one from the local mall. And what she really got? Floor detergent, instead of a toilet detergent. Man, don't you know what a toilet detergent is? And guess what? There is still one whole bottle of floor detergent left. That bitch has bought enough floor detergent for one whole year! I am just speechless... Dumbfounded.

What's more? The builders that came to rennovate the toilet were teenage punks. I guessed they were all school drop-outs. No offense, but they really are. Well, I don't know why the have got the idea of walking all around the house with their shoes on! Isn't this a little bit weird? What is really aggravating is that they walk in and out from that toilet with their shoes, leaving dirt and rubble inside the toilet. Oh, guess who's the one who's cleaning it almost everyday? Me again.

It's easy being nice but it's damn hard to be mean. Well, if I really have to be even meaner and self-centered than them, I don't mind!

Ok! It's time to get mean!

Song of the day - Janno Gibbs - Almost Over You (instead of Sheena Easton's original version)