I'll Say Goodbye To Love...

Well, it's a new start; I've just commenced my ENT posting and I wish things would turn out better.

My new Dell desktop just arrived. I've sacrificed mobility for stability, and I hope I wouldn't regret my decisions. Anyway, the good thing is that I can now play lots of PC games with it (and forfeit my studies), and the bad thing is that, it's like so empty. I'll have to search for the other programs to install 'em, especially all the Microsoft Office programs.

I have been sitting in my room and wondering bout myself; am I bizzare?

I have always been a jack of all trades. I do know bits and pieces of everything, but not much 'bout them. Sports? Yah, I do like sweating (although I don't do much of sports now), yet I don't like competitions. Maybe I've never had any luck in contests, or I don't like the discord which at times arises from competitions. So, if you're playing to win, sorry, ain't my cuppa tea.

I like music too... I can't sing that good, but at least it's not fatal. I do play the piano (althought I've lost touch of it since I came over to Kuching), and I'm starting to learn how to play by ear. Late start, but hell I'm amazed by this late-found ability! So, whenever I listen to some song that I like a lot, I'll be able to play it out, incompletely, after listening to it for a few rounds. Still, my choice of songs are very different. I am definitely obsessed in rock 'n' roll. Many years ago, I used to follow my friends' style of alternative rock, but then it gradually grew out of me.

Anyway, need to stop wasting my life thinking over such petty issues. Grow up, rickie. Say goodbye to love, and to misery.

Song of the Day - The Carpenters - I'll Say Goodbye To Love

別問我是誰...

我喜歡上了一個人。

可能不會太稀奇吧﹐畢竟我容易對一個人一個人產生好感。但這一次跟以往有些不同﹐因為是我第一次這樣追求他人﹐哈哈﹐有點失敗吧﹖

已經有好幾晚都跟他和他的朋友們一齊出去嘁茶﹐但也因我個性較孤僻內向﹐還是不太習慣在不太熟悉人面前呈現自己真正的一面﹐所以跟他們那一班有點格格不入吧﹖還是我樣子太串了吧﹖哈哈。

無論如何﹐我失敗了。別人都說﹐我不是他要的類型。好殘酷吧﹐但事實就是這樣。無法勉強甚麼... 你喜歡的偏偏不喜歡你﹐喜歡你的偏偏在一個好遙遠的地方。

我又失戀了。是時候好好唸書了。

娉娉嫋嫋十三餘，豆蔻梢頭二月初

春風十裏揚州路，卷上珠簾總不知。

多情卻似總無情，唯覺尊前笑不成。

蠟燭有心還惜別，替人垂淚到天明。

本日主題曲 - 王馨平 - 別問我是誰

从没说过爱着谁 为谁而憔悴 从来没有想过对不对
我的眼中装满疲惫 面对自己 总觉得好累
我也需要人来陪 不让我心碎 让我爱到深处不后悔
其实我并不像他們說的 那样多刺 难以安慰

爱人的心 应该没有罪 为何在夜里却一再流泪
每天抱着寂寞入睡 生活过得没有滋味

别问我是谁 请与我相恋 我的真心没人能够体会
像我这样的人不多 为何还要让我难过
别问我是谁 请和我面对 看看我的眼角流下的泪
我和你并没有不同 但我的心更容易破碎

愛情電影

終於考完了所有的試卷﹔兩天內考完三個科目- 地區醫院﹐家庭醫學﹐皮膚學﹐有點叫人太沉重。

好久沒看電影了(其實及個星期前才看過了魔術師這一部戲)﹐所以心癢癢的﹐決定今晚不論如何都要去看部電影﹐泄一泄對考試的不滿。但是﹐翻閱報章的劇院廣告﹐看到的通通是一些B級電影。唉﹐有點失望。

真的已經有段日子沒好好觀賞一部愛情電影了。

記得以前每一此看了部愛情電影﹐心裡就會捲起無數愛情的漣漪。太過典型的雙魚座了吧﹐太愛幻想了﹐太過主觀了﹐太過完美主義了﹐太單純了﹐太愚蠢了﹐結果雖然被愛情傷了一次又一次﹐還是長不大。

無奈。

很少有愛情電影的結局不是男主角和女主角排除種種困難﹐最終白頭諧老﹐除非是文藝電影﹐或則擺明是悲劇片。可能好結局都的愛情片較會吸引人吧﹐還是每個人心裡其實都渴望得到個好結局﹐結果把心裡的慾望都投入在電影裡面。

那我的愛情電影該由誰來主導﹐由誰來演呢﹖

本日主題曲 - 熊天平﹐許茹雲 - 愛情電影

我不难过

2 consecutive nights of low mood. That's something new; it hasn't been this way before. Usually my dysthymia resolves by itself uneventfully after a night's sleep. I guess this means it's getting worse.

I still get emotionally carried away easily, having read bout people's lives. Maybe that's my personality; whether it would later manifest as a disadvantage, only time itself will unfold. At times I find myself being able to empathize and read people's mind sometimes. Not that I'm a psychic or some clairvoyant, but it's not difficult to probe what somebody wants or feels by looking into his facial expressions.

Could it be another survival instinct?

Everyone has his own troubles, and I tend to indulge within my self-pity a little too much. It's pathetic in some sense, but hell, it feels fucking nice.

I enjoy whining about my miserable life, don't you?

Jack, one of my newest cyberbros collections, has been having his own share of miseries, albeit his constant happy-go-lucky, i-am-linpeh-so-fuck-me look. Anyway, no doubt he's in control of it.

Now, when will I start to take control of my own dilemmas, instead of they harnessing me?

This song is specially dedicated to you, Jack, for whom have been a nice taikor for me, when all my others cyberbros are presumed lost-or-dead.

Don't be sad, we all do.

本日主題曲 - 孫燕姿 - 我不難過

The Way I Feel Tonight

At times, it really isn't easy to forget someone, no matter how much you wish to.

I tend to be a scatterbrain, leaving all those important details behind the back of my brain and unable to evoke them when they are desperately needed. Still, I can't get those unwanted memories out of my brain.

The feeling of being rejected, really isn't something easy to be hydrolized and excreted out of your mind. I wish there were such mind laxatives that purge those obnoxiousness right out of my grey matter and spare me from these torment.

Its been awhile since I've had this agonizing feeling; the last time I had it was around 4 years ago months before my STPM where this guy whom I liked a lot just slammed those words out of me.

'Sorry, you're just not my type', was what he said, and that killed everything inside me. Immersing myself in my STPM revision sorta numbed me for a while and gradually I grew out of his shadow, although I admit I do think of him intermittently then. I would cry a lil' while driving to school to do my revision each night, humming a song that reminds me about him the most. The serenity that my school offered me each night soothed and pacified me a lot, yet I still cried alone. I think I eventually succumbed to STPM, having realized that it posed a bigger threat to me, and I strained myself hard so as I would not fail it miserably. Here I am, winning a battle but not a war.

A war of emotions.

4 years later and history repeats itself, in a homozygous manner. This time, just a lil' bit it differs. Another rejection, indeed, but still a somehow different from the initial one. I am pretty amazed at how things change with time. Yup, even the weakest acid will melt away the hardest substance if given ample time. Diamonds too; I don't think they last forever, and even if they do, nobody could live long enough to see it last anyway, so why the obsession with diamonds, people? 1 year ago and he said I meant everything to him; 1 year later and he can't remember a thing. I don't think even a vasculitic dementia would progress that fast, so what went wrong?

I am preoccupied with listening to oldies, maybe because I love 'em, or maybe most of 'em harp on sadness and loneliness and breakups and rejections. I still think every single even that occurs in ur life can be sung out by a song, and when you finally found the song that fits in most, it milks the tears out of your oedematous eyes.

Many a people advocate for this; when you'd like to forget this man, just stay away from him and he'll go away. Little do they know that every single human being is connected to one another with a meager 6 degrees of relativity. Perhaps I should go into seclusion, haha, maybe it might work.

People change, things change. No waves would leave a similar print every time they hit the sand, and I bet not one single of your poo are congruent.

So, this is to that guy whom I'm still thinking of. If you're reading this, just know that it pains me to forget you. You're beautiful, you really are.

And they say love is simple. Not anymore.

Song of the night - Bay City Rollers - The Way I Feel Tonight

深呼吸...

最近功課繁忙﹐有點透不過氣來。該學的﹐好多還沒學﹔已學的﹐很多已忘了。

好像自己的學習技巧有點失效﹐也許是自己心不在焉吧﹐上課時教授所講的東西都左耳入﹐右耳出﹐還因為漫不經心被訓了幾頓。

前幾個晚上發了好多個奇奇怪怪的異夢﹐驚醒後往往都無法再入眠﹐給我的感覺是某種凶兆。是命犯凶星﹐還是操勞過度﹐嗯﹐的確沒人懂。無論如何﹐太過迷信畢竟是不對的。

有時入睡前﹐腦袋裡會回想好多以前曾經發生在自己身上的事件。

好多個如果出現在腦海中﹔如果當時這樣﹐現在會不同嗎﹖如果當初這樣﹐現在會好過一點嗎﹖自己的罪惡感蠻重﹐覺得了曾經犯上的錯誤都是可以愚蠢的﹐發生的許多事件都是可以避免的。雖然每一次都說服自己﹐時間無法倒流﹐已發生的了再也無法挽回﹐但還是無奈﹐因腦袋裡始終還是推敲著往事。

該放松自己了...深呼吸噢~﹗

本日主題曲 - 宇恆 - 深呼吸

痴心絕對

好久沒有暗戀這種感覺了。最後一次應該是在中學唸書期間吧﹖

還記得以前暗戀一個人時很單純﹐很天真﹐很簡單。好傻﹐真的好傻。暗戀她﹐時時都想靠近她﹐感覺她的存在﹐又情不自禁的做些愚蠢小動作想得到她的注意﹐她的芳心。可能是受到電視劇或則童話故事的影響﹐加上又是雙魚座﹐所以一直都以為她會明白我的心。

但當知道她喜歡上了另一個人﹐只好祝福她﹐並默默的等待她回心轉意的一天。真的不明白﹐連她的男友都會察覺我的心思﹐而她怎能一點也沒發覺呢﹖結果﹐她男友禁止我們兩人來往了。

日子一天一天的過了﹐而她也搬遷到隆市去了。聽說﹐她在這幾年內也換了好幾位男友。‘去年今日此門中，人面桃花相映紅。人面不知何處去，桃花依舊笑春風’,就是這個意思吧﹗她也許不是我以前所喜歡的哪個她了吧。

往事再提也罷。

錦瑟無端五十弦，一弦一柱思華年。

莊生曉夢迷蝴蝶，望帝春心托杜鵑。

滄海月明珠有淚，藍田日暖玉生煙。

此情可待成追憶，只是當時已惘然！

今日主題曲 - 李聖傑 - 痴心絕對

如果你還愛我

發現原來有很多人都向我許下了好多的諾言﹐但真心的確有幾個呢﹖

我不否認﹐在古晉留學的確讓我身在劣勢﹐畢竟讓我看上眼的人﹐十之七八都是在西馬。屈指算來﹐離開畢業僅有十九個月﹐要在哪家醫院實習﹐這個問題讓我好頭疼。當然我與家人商討過這一樁事﹔在家鄉實習較舒適﹐較輕鬆﹐因為小地方生活壓力不太緊逼﹐加上可以把多些時間陪伴家人﹐只不過﹐小地方有時會很乏悶﹐感覺好像失去了許多人生樂趣。反之﹐在隆市實習﹐壓力大﹐費用高﹐生活環境複雜﹐真的很不適合我吧﹗但又何奈﹖戀上的人﹐通通都在隆市里。唉﹐魚和熊掌﹐要選哪個呢﹖

身重和腰圍又再增加了﹐結果走盡了古晉仍然買不到合身的褲子﹐還因此而被其他人嘲笑。哎﹐該減肥了吧﹖

很想對某些人說﹐如果你真的還愛我﹐你就不會對我如此的冷漠。如果你真的還愛我﹐你就不會忍心讓我被冷落... ...

本週主題曲 - 光良 - 如果你還愛我