A lil' country... and a lil' rock and roll.

The things what we want isn't always within our reach, that is for sure. And the things that we want may not want us as well.

Once in a while I actually do contemplate again and again my decision of coming over to Sarawak to study, and yes I know there's no point crying over spilled milk, but hey, can't a man be a lil' melancholic sometimes?

Being in Sarawak has already deprived me of my opportunity to be with my best-est friends, I would say, although I do have tons of fabulous new friends here. When you are away from home, you tend to miss the usual stuffs that you had been doing all the time before leaving home. All those familiar faces have defamiliarize with time, and so do those fading memories that we shared. Neh... that's a norm. Oh, get used to it Rickie.

Well, all the better fishes are all at the other side of the sea, if you know what I mean. At times I do get pissed off since all the guy that I like are either one of these genre.

1. He likes me too, but too bad he's already with some other guy.
2. He likes me too, but he's at the end of the other half of this planet.
3. He doesn't like me, and he toys with my feelings.

Yes I know it's a normal thing. Big deal. Probably everyone encounters that in their lives too, but still I think it's too fucking frequent, that I hate my own life. I wonder who controls my life. God, me or something else?

Everyone sees me smiling and laughing, but ffew knows what's hiding behind that jovial expression. I don't believe in channeling my anger onto others; it's a stupid thing, and I don't usually do it, unless I am disinhibited. I just keep my melancholy within myself, I sulk and sing in the room until Morpheus takes over my consciousness. Still, in the presence of others, I try to keep up my mood and be as friendly as ever. Nonethess, my friends do know I enjoy being left alone when I'm not in the mood, since I would be a little anhedonic then.

And oh, there's this little kid who recommended a song to me, claiming that song is his favourite piece - Beautiful Life, by the Afters. Well, kiddo, 10 years ago I am into Alternative Pop/Rock, but it's way past my age. Now I'm a lil' country, and a lil' rock and roll.

A Korean-like Japanese Tragic Story

I wonder if I had mentioned before that I am actually mixed; since young most of the people I come across would think that I am somehow Eurasian or something similar to that. Neh... I'm not Eurasian, I'm Asian. Still, having evaluated myself almost all the time (I'm such a narcissist), I don't think I that I don't look Chinese.

Anyway, what is bothering me today isn't my looks or whatever. It's a long story.

A few days ago I receive an email. It was a Japanese email and yet it was sent to my ex-classmate who's currently in Japan. 3 years ago I asked him to help me translate my mail and send it. Well, it's my 1st mail to my grandfather. He never replied; as if the mail has just sunk into the bottom of the East China Sea. So, why a reply after 3 years then?

Everything started when Grandmother separated from my grandfather while my father was merely 3; she just picked up my Dad and left Japan, heading back to Malaysia. Nobody actually know why she did that. Nobody then knew at that moment she was already pregnant with my aunt. When my Grandmother died 3 years back then, she buried the secret with her, forever. My grandaunt, who left Japan with my aunt, might know something about it. Still, what weightage does a 50 year old secret carry now, when Grandmother is already 6 feet below?

Her abrupt departure left such a huge impact on everybody's lives, and everyone suffered for it.

Grandmother herself waited for a few years for grandfather to look for her, and when he didn't, she married someone else again. Why? Don't ask me. Somehow, my stepgrandfather wasn't a really successful man. Dad didn't manage to get any proper secondary education at all. Well, he's just a stepson, what could he expect from his penniless stepfather, who has 11 children altogether? Well, Grandmother made her choice, and she lived through it, without a complaint.

Dad had to follow Grandmother's surname since it's easier to get a citizenship with a Chinese surname, although the birth certificate kinda gave it away. He spent all his life growing up as a Chinese boy; Chinese ridiculed him, Malays bullied him. I think that's how Dad became so independent. Despite the alienation, he also grew up in a poor family after my disappointed Grandmother married my step-grandfather. Dad only studied till he was 13, then he picked up smoking, did odd jobs, and ended up with his current state. I honestly believe Dad is not a failure, yet the circumstances made him stop school and he had no other choices. He has a better handwriting than I do (what a shame) and he fixes almost everything - cars, toilets, lamps, pancakes, etc.

I think Dad is content with his life although he has spent 57 years without a real father. Dad did try to look for his own father; he had written many mails to him, hoping for an answer, and to his dismay, there was no response. None at all. It' too much a disappointment for him. Poor Dad.

Aunt Nora, my Dad's little sister, never got to see her father at all. I doubt he ever knew her existence anyway. She was pretty much like Dad; growing up with her stepsiblings, and stopped school rather early. She married early too, and fortunately she's leading a wonderful life now.

In that e-mail, what I heard from the other side recently in Japan was that they suffered too. Grandfather became a drunkard and mistreated her newly married wife, and later his kids too. They hate him, and they hate Grandmother too. Maybe they hate Dad, Aunt Nora, Sis and Me too.

I think 3 years is too much. Well, of course I'm fucking happy to receive a response, but I'm terribly disappointed too. I myself, personally, have spent 24 years living my life like this. It makes no difference if he refused to acknowledge me as his grandson anyway. Hate me if you want, I don't care a damn.

I have no grandfather anyway.

I hate Korean dramas, and I hate all of them for making my life into something like that.

The Dorm

I was supposed to bring my little 2nd year junior buddy to see Gary Chaw's concert here, but I could not find any parking space (It was totally havoc in Kenyalang area), so we opted for a movie instead. Having arrived in the cineplex around 8 pm, to our dismay again, (we noticed that) there were not much movie choices, except for Pirates of Carribean 2, and Superman.

When we finally decided to catch the 8.30's Pirates of the Carribean 2, the seats were all full, except for two in the first few rows. Bah. What a turn off!

I spotted 10.30 pm's The Dorm and hence I suggested to my little junior to watching that so-called horror flick. She agreed promptly without any contemplation, and I thought most girls are very reluctant to watch horror movies?

Still, the problem is that... we have 2 hours and 30 minutes of free time to spare! Burn me, I really didn't know where to go or what to do. So, we trudged to the nearest Parkson shopping mall for a brief window shopping, and ended up ridiculing and mocking at each other in the mall and also in a bookstore. People would really think that we are idiots. Having spent an hour lingering in a small shopping mall, we headed back for the cinema because the mall was going to close and we, practically, have nowhere else to go! How pathetic!

Back at the cinema, we too were loitering around waiting for time to go by. Yet, I think I did a good job entertaining my little buddy and killing off her boredom, to an extent la. Wahaha. Ok. Enough crap.

Anyway, this so-called horror flick actually carries a very meaningful message, and gosh I think I almost cried. Not that touching, but really meaningful. It's all about friendship; to what extent this little boy would do to help his friend.

Not bad. Strongly recommended to see it.

Dysthymic

After a long standing period of procrastination, finally I have picked up the remnants of my motivation. It is time for me to start working hard again, having guided by a lecturer of mine, who explained an alternative for me to have a prospectful career. It definitely is not an easy path, and of course there are sacrifices needed.

So, updates for the past few days?

After the kiasu incident, aforthmentioned in my previous entry, the exam day was another day of lies. Everybody denies having known the exam questions when being asked by the psychiatrist tutor, and yet they pointed out that only Naga knows the answer. Well, a bunch of hypocrits they are, undoubtedly. I did not really score in that quiz thingee, albeit I was the one setting up the Modified Essay Question, since I forgot what are the actual answers for me questions!!! Anyway, I may be labelled evil, but still I have my own moral standards, and cheating is undoubtedly not my cup of tea.

I have made up a pact with Naga to study with her every night. I know you fellows would be surprised, but I'm need someone to monitor me or else I'll get distracted while studying. For the past 2 weeks, I have indulged myself in the internet and burning my precious lifethreads away into ashes. Plus, it is fun having Naga there to talk to whenver the stress threshold is starting to get onto my nerves.

A buddy dinner last night made me come to the understanding that almost all of the 5th year seniors know bout me and my, you know, stuffs. Actually there is someone who's trying to defame my ex, who is also a 5th year, and thus I get involved in it. I don't mind people here knowing bout me, as I don't care a shit bout them, yet I question the real intention behind this whole issue. Why the defamation? Jealousy? Rivalry? Revenge? And still, that involved senior had that kind of Mr Nice Guy look. Isn't it amazing how deceiving appearances can be? Honestly I felt a little down hearing that, but my senior buddy reassured me that she's OK with me, and empathizes my situation. I am fucking thankful that I have friends who really back me up and accepts me for what I really am. Thanks, Carmen.

Back to where I have left out. The Adrian issue. I have been sms-ing Adrian very frequently for the past two days. I know I shouldn't have, but I can't help it. Maybe I miss him, or maybe I don't, but I still feel like talking to him. However, his replies weren't really that enthusiastic, to my dismay. Last night, well, I thought I was talking to an Adrian in MSN, yet it turned out to be his boyfriend using Adrian's account. It's ok for him to dig out what I have been talking with Adrian, yet I find it rather unethical. Fuck ethics, there are no rules and regulations in relationships, Rickie! The winner takes it all, period.

So, Adrian texted me after that and interrogated me. Hereth, I presume his jealous boyfriend probably say something to him about me. Anyway, Adrian put up a final point that made me decide not to sms him anymore, for everybody's sake. I can't agree no more. Well, since it's his personal request, I think I am able to suppress that urge now.

To think back, why in the ninny did I try to text him in the first place? I am aware that Adrian is involved in a relationship. The question whether he is happy, or if his guy treats him like shit, is totally out of my jurisdiction and none of my business. Why should I care anyway? Rickie Rickie Rickie, hath thou lost thy meaniness? I mean, this whole issue totally contradicts with my hard rule of 'NO MESSING UP WITH ATTACHED GUYS'. I am going nuts I guess. Oh, by the way, Adrian has the hots for Matt too.

Again and again I question myself why am I that attracted to Adrian? Maybe its his subtleness and docility? Or is his adorableness and poshness? I do not know why. Still, an escaped bird is an escaped bird, and there's no point crying over it since there's no REFRESH button in life.

Back to what my lecturer had been motivating me. He suggested me in finishing my 5th year course with a sound basic medical knowledge and then followed by an attempt in the US Medical License Examination, which is a one-way-ticket in practicing in the States. It is not going to be easy, so I should have started preparing for it during my degree years. Hence, a solid foundation would facilitate me, remarkably, into this thingee. Plus, he advised me to do my internship in a not-too-busy-but-decently-have-lots-of-stuffs-to-learn hospital. I assumed he's mentioning bout HKB or HUSM, which themselves are not as busy as those in West Malaysia, but still are fairly good teaching hospitals for internship.

So, what are the sacrifices then? Age is something inevitable. By the time I graduate, I am already 26. So, adding the time I need to serve my compulsory internship and service to the government, I would be 30 by then. So, if I manage to start my residency in US then, the minimal total time I would require to achieve a subspecialist or PHD, would cost me 10 years perhaps. Fuck, I am 40 by then! What's more? Yes, I might be a rich, successful, highly regarded bastard, who is fucking single and alone and burns his life miserably in the hospital. Is that a life I wanted?

Probably you'd say I am counting my chickens before the eggs have hatched. Still, a dream is more like a compass; you are still on your way to somewhere, but at least you know where you are going.

Kiasu-nism

I am extremely disgusted with the kiasu-nism expressed by my fellow colleagues lately, but especially today. Competition, well, is a good thing that it does encourage improvement and creativity; yet, inappropriate competition fosters such a hostile and discordful environment for me and I fucking hate it.

One question that I like to shoot out today... Do you really have to compare that much?

This morning while we were having a case discussion with our psychiatrist tutor, my colleague wanted to have an eye at my log-book, in which we write down cases that we have seen. She mechanically reached out her hand and tried to grab it, but I automatically spanked her hand and hid my book under my books. Honestly I wouldn't mind if she were to take a look, but she's doing that too frequently and it's fucking annoying. What is the purpose anyway? Trying to have a look at how many cases I have seen so she can always have one case extra than I do? That is so stupid. Is that necessary?

I do not intend to show off anything but the fact is that colleague is far more intellectually inferior that I am. She can't even speak good English, she asks moronic questions and she even tortured herself digesting petty stuffs that I don't even have to waste my time on. So, here the main question is what the hell is she trying to pull by labelling me as a rival?

I never underestimate anyone and hell I do admire people who are diligent and full of initiative. Nonetheless, over zealousness and self-centeredness is something I do not savor, or even tolerate. At times this colleague of mine is willing to jeapordize interests of others just for her own sake. Well, she hasn't tried to accomplish that with me around but I have heard she doing that in her previous group last year. Try me, pumpkin, and I will make u cry like a wet pussy. And I mean it.

Naming me as a rival and trying to level herself with me, by no means, is just the same as dipping herself into kerosene and then incarcerating herself in flames. We are different, you and I, and we do not share the similar IQ, EQ, or whatever. We have our different strengths and weaknesses, so why are you so fucking obsessed if I have more than you do or you have more than I do?

The same thing goes with the bunch of losers who just have to dig out the exam questions for tomorrow's quiz. My colleague, Naga, was assigned by our lecturer to collect and compile all the questions from us, and she did it perfectly. Fair enough. I just could not believe that some people would have a green eye against that matter; they weren't happy enough that Naga would know all the exam questions. Hence, when today Naga, who have to go out to Sentosa Mental Hospital with me (7th mile from Kuching), passed the questions to another colleague, asking her to have it printed out and later passed to the academic office, everyone seized it as a chance to duplicate the questions and have it on their own. Their reason? It's not fair for Naga to have know all the questions by herself. Humbug. That colleague whom Naga had entrusted on actually auctioned the questions to everyone in our posting. What a total blasphemy.

What I couldn't believe was some even appeared in my doorstep to get the questions from her. Hello? It's just a simple fucking quiz?!? Do you really have to be that extreme?

Enough said. This is totally rubbish.

Adrian

Today's rambling is dedicated to Adrian. Lost in the eyes, but never in the heart.

Not 'cause you're older

Or 'cause you're better

Although you're older and you're better

Yes it's truly thrilling

But also 'cause you

Just let me love you Adrian

Adrian

This is my first time

So I hope you mean to love me well

I never looked for this

I never asked for that

No matter where I kiss your body

Keeps on kissing me back

It's good cause maybe you feel like I do and maybe Adrian

Adrian

This is my first time

So I hope you mean to love me well

Come down from your high chair

And speak to me

This complicated situation does not fade me

All I wanna do is lie next to your heartbeat

And I would wait forever on this dirty street for Adrian

Adrian

This is my first time

So I hope you mean to love me well

Hags and stuck-up exs

Nothing much that happened lately, so I don't have much to talk about.

I attended my faculty's orientation performance night last nite, with a few colleagues, and it was ok. Not much surprises. Some has excellent performing skills, while most of them are pretty mundane. So that's why they say medical students are nerdies. Still, some of their acting stunts are still relatively childish-la, and not really appealing.

And my two cute little junior buddies? One is from penang while the other is from Rawang. I still find them easier to talk with, probably they got intimidated with my great grandbuddy status. Sigh, how fast time flies. It seemed like yesterday we only just had our own first year orientation.

Been travelling 7 miles up and down to the Sentosa Mental Hospital these few days as my group is following a psychiatrist there. The trip was ok, yet my car worries me. She's not feeling well, serious. I don't know what to do with her. I brought her here and there, and many a diagnoses have been made, yet she's still not well. Sigh. Probably she's old enough. Darn. How am I going to sell her off with a great price later when I graduate!?!?

One ugly schizophrenic woman slapped me today. -_-. Bitch. I would have twisted her neck if were not for her psychopathology. She tried to pinch my nose and did slap my shoulder a few times. Fucking schizo hag.

My 2nd ex has been going around relating my stuffs to his superior, it seems, and he still tried to be stuck up when I confronted him. I should have told him earlier that I hate his stuck-upness and that was the main reason Idumped him, but neh, I wanna get tangled up with him no more. He has his life and me mine; there's no crossovers anymore, not now, and not ever.

So, I wonder what else will befall me for the rest of this week?

Love Bites

Yesterday Reese gave me a lovebite at my neck. A catastrophic lovebite, I would say.

The moment I set foot into my faculty, I've been attracting eyes upon me. Of course I wished that it was me they set their eyes on, yet, it seemed that they were hawking on that bluish blackish patch on my neck. I never knew it was such a prominent beacon that they could see it from 300 yards away.

I'm not sure if they really do not know what it was, since most of them had done forensic, and should be able to distinguish what a lovebite is. A love bite is no more different to a bruise, only one is a product of pain while the latter is of pleasure. The concept is still the same; suction forces onto the skin and the tissues beneath ruptures the tiny capillaries within, and hence results in the extravasation of blood into the surrounding tissues. Hence, it has the bluish blackish discoloration similar to a bruise.

Anyway. I had soup last night. Half a can of mushroom cream, chunks of potatoes and carrots and a few spoonfuls of sweet corn, simmered in 2 bowlfuls of water and later savoured with buttered bread. Yummy, indeed, but I think the portion is too much la. Next time I oughta reduce a little.

I think I'm starting to get addicted to cooking.

Drastic Diet Program

I tried to fix a low-fat, low-carb and most of all low-cost dinner tonight, due to people beseeching me to lose a few tens of kilos, and it was a disaster!

Me and Naga (my docile Indian housemate), who voluntereed to oversee my weight-loss plan, went shopping for groceries in the afternoon. While I was busy handpicking stuffs that I wanted to buy, she ruthlessly threw out anything with high fat or high carb levels from the cart. So, I'm left with a meager choice of ingredients to prepare my salad for dinner tonight. (If I hadn't kissed her toes and begged her, she would have thrown that bottle of Thousand Island Sauce!)

So, what's left in my cart are ... carrots, tomatoes, a can of sweet corn, green beans, chicken and franks, and apples too. Oh what the heck, I just chopped everything up, mix 'em and eat them (of course having boiled the chicken-la). It doesn't really taste that horrible as what Naga thought it seemed to be.

Anyway, I'm still hungry! I think I should go for a lipsuction. -_-

Naga forbids me to eat more than 3 meals per day! Tyrant queen!

Rickie's Theory of Arrogance

Somebody just refreshed my mind that I am actually an arrogant ass. Call me bizzare, but I hell do enjoy people addressing me as an arrogant ass. Still, it's not easy to be arrogant, is it?

To be arrogant, you've got to have the right grey matter to act arrogant. Having low Intelligent Quotient and attempting to be arrogant would land oneself with the title Stuck Up instead, which is an inferior title. You have to be smart enough to impress and to annoy especially in order to be labelled as arrogant.

Next, you need the guts to be arrogant. Not every ah beng, ah lian, or ah seng can crown himself arrogant. To be arrogant, you have to act arrogant, and maintain your arrogance. Never think of apologize when others name you arrogant, or fear that you will be alienated because you are arrogant. Smart arrogant bastards, well, are definitely of higher market values than moronic weak-hearted ninnies, and trust me, people will flock to you albeit your nasty arrogance.

Besides having the integrity to be arrogant, most of all you need the PEOPLE to call you arrogant! Why, ain't that the most integral ingredient? Think of this. What will be of er... BUSH if nobody would vote for him? Imagine how sad Osama bin Laden would be if BUSH just ignored his 911 attacks and spend his time watching Rodeo on telly? Enough said, the audience matters!

Anyway, it ain't easy to be arrogant, and I fucking like it!

Suicide

I'm still doing psychiatry, currently in my 2nd week. Saw lots of ill patients, and I feel that I'm starting to become like one of them. :)

Yesterday morning I clerked a patient who attempted suicide. Well, an 18 year old lad tried to klill himself by swallowing 40 Paracetamol tablets in one go. The reason he gave me was, he could not bear with the working stress after he had a break up with his girlfriend, and thus he'd rather end his life, in such a way. Miserable? Well, to him not, since he claimed to have no regrets at all. Yet, to me, it seemed to be a miserable way to die.

The following night I received a SMS from another long lost friend who claimed that he is infatuated in me and wanted to wait for me till I graduate just to be with me. Ironically, he had found someone whom he loves a lot, and that someone broke up with him, and he tried to commit suicide by slicing his wrist. I think I made a big time mistake by suggesting him to slice his carotid arteries next time if he wanted to kill himself that badly, since a slice in the wrist isn't that fatal. Maybe I got jealous, maybe I was just being sarcastic. Anyway, I wasted another RM25 on my phone credit just to console that bastard.

Anyway, what I really wanted to know was that those two attempts were really a suicidal (really wanted to end his life), or a parasuicidal (want to try to end his life or harm himself deliberately to seek attention or other goals). It does make a difference for me, even not to others. A suicidal patient would always want to end his life no matter how many times you've saved him, unless some proper intervention has been done, via medically or psychologically. On the other hand, a parasuicidal patient usually will not have another attempt, unless he's decided to commit suicide ultimately after another stressful life event. So basically it makes no difference either.

If I had a chance I would too wanna sleep and never wake up again, but alas! I haven't got such luxury. I have still a scroll-long of responsibilities to complete, before I do have a choice in how to deal with my life. :)

Say goodnight Rickie, not good bye.

It's time to move...

It's sad to say that some homophobics have located my blog and started making a commotion about it. So... it's time to move. :)

Movies Movies Movies

I'm craving for it... Everyday I can feel the urge inside me demanding for it, and all the time it errodes into my brain, giving me the shakes. I know I have to get it soon, somewhere or sometime... but it's so difficult to get one, especially in this season. And they say it blooms especially in summers!

I can't stand the torture anymore. I need to watch a movie, fast and hard!

Mechanically I have been cruising through the papers looking at the cinema adverts, and to my detest, there are none that caught my eye. I know the movies available in cinemas here in Kuching are grotesquely very limited, yet, as the largest city in Borneo, at least they should have something decent!

Superman Returns? Neh... I don't really like superman. Well, hunk in tights sound tempting, but the whole movie thingee is soooooooooo egomaniacal-la. I don't watch Smallville anyway despite my friends' total addiction to it. Anyway, I still think blue and red is a bad match.

What I'm really waiting for is Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest, which is set to be screened within these few days. I've watched Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl twice in 2 different occasions, and I still find it entertaining. Depp's portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow was exclusively captivating, but I personally think Bloom and Knightley's performances are merely common. Now I'm lookin forward for the sequel. And they say there's the third sequel coming soon next year, with Chow Yuen-Fatt in it! Now I really can't wait!

I don't like to sleep alone

I'm in my blues again. Today we had a lecture on Personality Disorders, and amicably all my colleagues have been labelling one another with different personality disorders that they could come across.

If I were to pick one colour that would really describe what I feel inside, I would pick Black. Not that I'm obsessed with the colour black; black, because there's an emptiness inside that I could not really fill up. Now I think I am nuts.

I've been spending a few nights pondering bout life and existence. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do with my life? Why does the decisions I make in my own life will affect other people around me? Why? Why? Why?

Anyway, I just noticed something; there are already 12 "I"s here.

Freud did say conflicts occur because there is a discord between one's ego and his superego. I'm not really a psychoanalyst, but I somehow agree to it. There is a conflict within me, that I do not comprehend, and that I could not put reins around it. Still. some suggests that using "we", instead of "I", would make one a little more harmonious with oneself and the people around him. Yet, how could I use "we" when I'm merely myself? I wouldn't wanna make people think that I am really that schizo. Ok, what the heck? I don't know what I'm yakking now.

Today I heard Paul Anka on the radio with Odia Coates, with his hit "I don't like to sleep alone". I kinda like this song, and the lyrics are melancholic enough to milk my tears. Maybe I'm really such a grey person.

I don't like to sleep alone

Stay with me, don't go

Talk with me for just a while

So much of you to get to know

Reaching out touching you

Leaving all the worries far behind

Loving you the way I do

My mouth on yours and yours on mine

Marry me, let me live with you

Nothing's wrong and love is right

Like a man said in his song

"Help me make it through the night"

Loneliness can get you down

When you get to thinkin' no one cares

Lean on me (And I'll lean on you)

Together we will see it through

No, I don't like to sleep alone

It's sad to think some folks do

No, I don't like to sleep alone

No one does

Do you

Well, I'm used to sleeping alone now.

My Sassy Girlfriend

I don't know why I've succumbed to Reese's idea of watching a Korean movie with him. Well, I never like watching Korean movies, since I find their language rather irritating and some of their acting stunts a little bewildering. Yet, I couldn't turn down Reese's invitation to watch that movie on VCD with him. Anyway, he dozed off half-way and blanketed himself in my arms while I have to endure the whole movie, alone.

Still, the movie was not really that bad, yet I find the plot somehow amusing, or to be honest, illogical. If I were the actor, I would have strangled that barbaric whore alive, immerse her in battery acid, then burn her alive with old newspapers and gasoline. Seriously, I actually thought the plot of the story would turn out that actually she is a transvestite. -_-"

I don't really despise watching such fiction love story, yet I detest of having those romantic thoughts churning inside your grey matter. My lecturer was right in saying that when people are in love, they are actually psychotic; they hallucinate and become irrational. True enough. Anyway, I am still in control of myself.

Oh, by the way, Pachabel's Canon in D,I and also that Korean song "I believe" totally exalted me.

I believe... Even though you are not with me, this is not how we part.

I believe... You're taking the long way back to me.

Inside all those past memories, I make myself hurt and myself cry.

I believe... Because I might hurt, you couldn't even cry.

I believe... You will return to me all the tears that I now shed.

I'll glimpse you come into my sight. And it'll make my tears fall.

You didn't cry as much as me, without a lot of tears, you tried to give me a painless good-bye.

I know that you will one day return to me, that I believe, I will wait for you, I'll do it for you.

Was the world was dazzling before I met you?

Underneath that sky, all I'm left with are tears

I will save this place next to me

You are the only reason... that waiting gives me enough happiness.

Love is the only reason...

As days pass by, If you forget the way, I'll be waiting I do it for you. I do it for you.

See. The entire lyrics is so psychotic!