Damaged...

I know I have been such a nuisance and an idiot, and I'd annoyed most of the people that come across me. Yup, the feeling is kinda estatic, and I thank you all for your reassuring compliments.

As much as I enjoy making myself a pest, I detest the whole idea too. Contradictory? Well, it's true. Don't ask me why... I don't study human behaviour nor metaphysics.

The simplest explanation I can offer is that - I am damaged. Period.

Whenever we slip and fall, our natural instincts (or rather our evolved cognitive functions) keep on reminding us mechanically to be wary so we do not fall again, at least not in the same place or in the same way. Likewise, we endeavour to shield ourselves from obnoxious stimulants, and these includes wilting relationships and their inevitable breakups too! I do not know bout other people, but at least this theory applies to me and it fits my puzzle.

I will not hide the fact that I have been damaged over and over again, and possibly damaged in the same way repeatedly.

At times I awed at some people's deductive and analytical skills. Man, they are able to penetrate through my crustacean defense and probe into my mind. For instance, lately, there's this guy in his early thirties who deciphered the complex codon that determines my behaviour. Hell, Jenson, I don't mind your success in breaking into my cell, but please you shouldn't go around and preach about it!

One of my mentors in high school once told me that predictability is a weakness - it enables people to take advantage over you because they know how and what you'd react. True, undoubtedly true. This mentor of mine is impressively capable of handling office politics but then, his lovelife is nullified by his unpredictability. Well, people make choices in life because there's no way that you can obtain both! Likewise, it's either being stronger without being loved, or being weak and being loved. I think being stronger without being loved is what I would buy.

Anyway, I have been portraying my unpredictability to camouflage my vulnerability. Well, it perplexes people and perplexing people is one of my sadistic fetishes. Ya I know it will inevitably make me losing friends or alienate me from the others, but then, it's how I protect myself.

Being damaged is possibly something that makes me go on living. It's pathetic, but hey, its me.

Song of the day - TLC - Damaged